


he'd never kiss and tell

by nasamutual



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: (and so is richie but eddie doesnt know that), And Then They Kees, Fluff, M/M, eddie kaspbrak is GAY, sonia kaspbrak is a bad person, sorry this probably actually sux, use of homophobic slurs, whats a peeniewose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 08:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13026762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nasamutual/pseuds/nasamutual
Summary: eddie kaspbrak's mom told him being gay was bad. that meant growing up with undying love for his best friend was bad, too.-in which i tell a chronological story about two gay idiots





	he'd never kiss and tell

**Author's Note:**

> ok this is my first completed work and its kind of dumb but im also super proud of it

Eddie Kaspbrak was ten years old when he learned about homosexuality for the first time.

His mother was going into a tirade about “faggots” and “sanctity of marriage” and he, the little four-foot-six kid he was, wanted to know what exactly a faggot was. Sonia Kaspbrak told him about how boys were supposed to like girls and how when boys liked boys it was wrong, that boys who liked boys were going to hell. And Eddie was confused. Because, yeah, there was that girl Annie, and she was nice to Eddie and gave him her raisins at lunch. But there was also Richie. His best friend. And Eddie didn’t like it when people touched him, except for Richie. He was okay with Richie.

He didn’t tell his mother.

And the next day, during recess, he told Richie. Not a lot of people were friends with Eddie, it was mostly Annie and Richie, so he and Richie spent every recess sitting together on the balance beam.

“What’s wrong, Eds?” Richie smiled that big smile of his that took up his whole face, the gap in his front teeth from where he lost a tooth showing.

“Richie, do you know what a faggot is?”

“No. What’s that?”

“It’s when a boy likes another boy. And then he goes to hell.”

“Oh.” His face fell, his watering eyes magnified behind his huge glasses. "Eddie?”

“Yeah, Richie?”

Richie stared at his shoes. “Do you know what it’s called when a boy likes other boys but doesn’t wanna go to hell? ‘Cause I think that’s me. ”

And Eddie stared at his shoes. “Okay.”

And Eddie stuck out his hand and Richie grabbed it and they didn’t talk for the rest of the period, they didn’t need to, Eddie squeezed Richie’s hand and Richie squeezed back and that was that.

He didn’t tell his mother.

* * *

 

Eddie Kasprak was thirteen years old when he realized that he, himself, liked boys.

It was Valentine’s Day, and Eddie had a couple more friends. Now that he was in middle school, he was able to make a couple more friends.

One said friend, Bill, had a massive crush on another said friend, Beverly. Eddie made the mistake of asking how he knew.

Bill said he got all fluttery inside when he thought about Beverly, that he thought she was pretty, that he wanted to hold hands with her. Maybe even kiss her. And Eddie couldn’t help but think that he never really felt like that with any girl in the whole school. He’d held hands with a couple of people. Annie, once, before she moved. Another girl, Kayla, grabbed it, but he pulled away because he didn’t want her to touch him, he didn’t want anyone to touch him. People were disgusting.

Richie, hell, he was disgusting, but at the very least he had been Eddie’s friend long enough that it mattered less. Plus, Richie’s hands were soft. And strong. And when Eddie squeezed it, Richie squeezed back.

And he liked Bill, a little. Not as much as Richie, but more than Annie. Or Kayla. He didn’t like any of the girls at West Derry Middle School. Not in a fluttery, holding-hands, maybe-even-kissing kind of way. He liked boys that way. He liked one specific boy that way. He liked boys. And it scared the hell out of him.

He went home that day and cried. He didn’t want to like boys. He wanted to like girls, he wanted to be normal, he wanted to be everything his mom wanted him to be. He balled his hands into fists and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands until there were deep red marks left behind.

“You idiot.” He looked in the mirror, choking out words through tears. “Why can’t you just be normal? What’s wrong with you?”

Because while Bill was able to give a valentine to the girl he liked, while all the other boys were able to give valentines to the girls they liked, Eddie was utterly hopeless.

So he did the only thing he could think of. He biked to Richie’s house. He tapped on the window. He waited for Richie’s goofy, smiling face.

The two found themselves on the middle of Richie’s hardwood floor.

“Richie, do you ever wish you were different? That you could change a part of you?”

“Eds, what are you on about?”

“Don’t call me Eds. I dunno, I don’t like who I am very much.”

“I think there’s plenty to like about you, Eddie Spaghetti! You’re smart, funny, and cute, cute cute!” Richie pinched Eddie’s cheeks as he said this, prompting the much smaller boy to giggle.

“Don’t call me Eddie Spaghetti, and cut that out!” Except Eddie secretly wanted Richie to keep calling him Eds, to keep calling him cute.

“Whatever you say, Edward Spaghedward.”

And somehow, Eddie found himself falling asleep in Richie’s arms, both boys tired from a long day at school.

The next morning, Eddie looked straight into the mirror, scrutinizing everything about his look. He was exhausted. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. And to tell the truth, he hadn’t, not well. His dreams were filled with nightmarish visions of demonic creatures taunting him. He liked boys. And that terrified him.

He didn’t tell his mother. 

* * *

 

Eddie Kaspbrak was sixteen years old when he admitted his inner thoughts of the last three years aloud for the very first time.

He and his friends had driven out into a forest for the weekend, they decided to go camping. As the group gathered around the fire, telling ghost stories, Richie began telling one about some clown thing that ate children. Eddie didn’t remember much. He was focused on how Richie’s lips looked when he smiled, how his hands shook violently as he emphasized each word.

And Beverly noticed. She always noticed everything. She moved closer to Eddie, and whispered in his ear.

“Do you wanna talk for a second?”

Eddie nodded his head, and followed her a few feet away where the others couldn’t see or hear them. The last thing Eddie heard was Richie hollering about how “Kaspbrak’s gonna get it on!”

Beverly sat on a log and tapped the space next to her, gesturing for Eddie to join her. He did, internally cursing about the millions of bacteria being transferred from the log to his skin.

“Now, I know you have a thing about touching. So I won’t hold you, or anything. But I need to ask you something. You don’t like girls, do you?”

From the way she asked it, Eddie could tell she already knew. But he couldn’t open his mouth, he felt like his throat was filled with razors and any word would slice his throat raw. So he shook his head. He felt his face burn as tears welled up in his eyes.

“I mean, it’s okay if you don’t. You can like boys. You can like girls. You can like both, I mean, I do. Like both, I mean. God, just, whatever. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Eddie’s voice shook as he tried his best to keep from breaking. “It’s wrong, my mom told me it was wrong, that I was wrong, because I like boys, because I’m gay.”

His eyes snapped open as he took into account exactly what had just come out of his mouth.

“I’m gay. What the fuck? I like boys. I’m gay.”

And saying it over and over ran Eddie’s voice to death, and it terrified him, but it felt so right. Why did it feel so right to say something so wrong?

“Eddie? Your mom’s a bitch. You can like boys. It’s not wrong for you to like boys. You’re allowed to want to kiss whoever you want. Free country.”

“But, God, it has to be wrong to like a boy, right? One specific boy who probably definitely doesn’t like me back?”

Beverly mused. “Eddie, I think you’re amazing and wonderful, and I mean no offense when I say this, but you’re such an idiot.”

“What? Why?”

“If you like who I think you like, which I’m pretty sure you do because everyone except him has picked up on something, he probably likes you too.”

“What? You, uh, don’t know him? He doesn’t live in Derry.” Eddie’s hands fidgeted in his lap.

“Okay. Fine. Whatever you say, Eds.”

Eddie blushed as Beverly returned to the group. He trudged back after making sure any sign of his pink cheeks were long gone. As he got closer, he heard music blasting from a boom-box.

It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you, there’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.

Eddie sat next to Richie as everyone swayed to the music. Their hands found their way to each other’s, and Eddie found himself leaning against Richie’s shoulder.

As he crawled into his sleeping bag, he repeated his newfound mantra once more, so only he could hear it.

“I’m gay. And I’m in love with Richie Tozier.”

He didn’t tell his mother.

* * *

 

Eddie Kaspbrak was eighteen years old when he kissed the love of his life for the first time.

The group had gone together to celebrate their recent graduation. Gone camping again, they vowed to return each summer to continue a tradition.

But Eddie was distant. Because Richie had chosen to skip the whole college thing, Eddie was going to be alone. Without the boy he’d been crushing on for years.

“What’s wrong, Eds?” Richie smiled that same goddamned smile. And Eddie was taken back to fourth grade, when he learned about being gay. And back to seventh grade, when he realized he might be gay. And back to sophomore year, when he finally told himself he was. And he decided he was tired of keeping secrets.

“God, Richie. Please. Don’t call me Eds.”

“Damn, seriously, what’s wrong, Eddie? You’re really tense. Are you okay?”

Eddie’s lower lip quivered as tears rolled down his face. “No, I’m not fucking okay! Because I’m sick of all of this! Of pining after you just to have you be oblivious to it! It was so fucking hard to accept that I’m gay, that I loved you, and I don’t care if you love me or not. I don’t care. But I can’t keep this a secret anymore.”

Richie’s hands shook, and another friend of theirs, Ben, placed his hands on Richie’s shoulders.

“Is this some kind of joke? It’s not funny.”

“No! It’s not! Because I cried myself to sleep for years knowing I’d never be at my happiest. It took me so long to get over the pain of loving you.”

“And you’re over it? You’re over me?”

“I don’t know, not really? But it doesn’t matter. What the fuck ever. No, I’m not. And I won’t ever be, and I’m okay with that.”

Richie stepped closer to Eddie. “So, what you’re saying is I still have a snowball’s chance.”

And suddenly stars exploded behind Eddie Kaspbrak’s eyes. Because Richie Tozier was kissing him. And he was kissing back, and he was probably terrible, but he was, and he loved it.

And then Beverly cheered. And everyone started screaming because, what the fuck, they finally figured out they had been in love with each other for years.

Just as soon as it had started, it was over. Eddie, inexperienced and caught off-guard, had to come up for air. He brought a shaky hand to his slightly swollen lips. “Holy shit.”

“You’ve got quite the way with words.”

“Jesus, Richie. What am I supposed to say to this?”

Richie shifted his weight, putting his hands in his pockets. “You don’t have to say anything. Eds, I like you. A lot. And I’d like to see a lot more of you. I, uh, wasn’t gonna make a big deal out of this, but I applied to Tisch. In secret. And I got in. And you’re going to NYU. So, I dunno, think about it. You don’t have to tell me now. You don’t have to tell me a week from now. You can tell me whenever you want. It’s up to you.”

Eddie threw his body into Richie’s, hugging him tightly. “Richie, I love you.”

Richie smiled, and ran his fingers through the shorter boy’s hair. “I love you too, Eds.”

That night, Richie slept right next to Eddie. Their hands were sticking out at awkward angles from their sleeping bags. At some point, Richie grabbed Eddie’s. And Eddie didn’t struggle, or squirm, or let go. He let Richie be Richie.

And he didn’t tell his mother.

* * *

 

Eddie Kaspbrak was twenty-four years old when he married his soulmate.

It was a small wedding, just Eddie and Richie and their five friends - Bev and Bill and Ben and Mike and Stan. Eddie’s mom didn’t know and Richie’s didn’t care. So they kept it small, which was perfectly fine for them anyway.

Richie gave his vows first. It was something along the lines of love at first sight and how the last six years had meant everything to him. Eddie bit his lip so hard he thought it might bleed. And then it was his turn to speak.

He thought his heart might come bursting right out of his chest.

“Richie, I’ve loved you for fourteen years. As a friend. As more. And I’ll love you for another fourteen, and another, and if I can squeeze out another fourteen or two I’ll do it without hesitation. I’ve never regretted it. And I don’t think I’ll regret it in the future. I promise I’ll love you my whole entire life. And that’s so easy for me to say, because you’re the only person I’ve ever loved. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you so much, Richie.”

Richie grabbed Eddie’s face and broke into a smile bigger than he’d ever had before. He turned to the minister.

“Can I kiss him yet?”

This prompted a laugh from their friends. The officiant shook his head, and continued to guide the two in the ring exchange.

“You may now kiss the groom.”

Richie nearly toppled Eddie over, kissing him with the passion and force only Richie could supply. And Eddie kissed back, because he loved Richie and because he was finally truly happy with himself, with his life, with his new husband.

And he didn’t tell his mother.


End file.
